Where Am I Walking To?

I can't believe it's been over a month since the last time I wrote here. I promised myself to document my days, since I have an abundance of time on my hands.... sort of. But how much can one write about being a mother, and housewife. The life is kind of dull, though the players are most certainly not. And in a way, I wished this dullness.... the excitement of my and our past being too much for me to handle. Looking back, I think about all the reckless and careless things Trevor and I have done. Really, because we were at a point in our lives (separately and together) where we just didn't care the dangers of what we did... we just wanted to have fun.

Anyway, I remember being pregnant. It was the worst 7.5 months of my life. There was no loving husband who wanted to take care of me and our baby. In a lot of ways, I think I might resent Trevor the most for those months. I was alone, besides a little Maltese, in the dead of summer.... blowing up like a balloon for some unresolved medical reason, barely able to move or walk depending on how hot it was. On the one hand, Trevor did work to support us both, but my Dad bailed us out a couple of times. On the other hand, he spent lots of nights drinking, lying, and doing plenty of other things that caused me to stay up late more than one night calling hospitals, jails.... wondering where the hell my husband was. He's done so many horrible things to me, I sometimes wonder why I am still here. Most women... and probably most men do or would think I'm stupid for staying with someone like Trevor after all the things he has done to me. The many ways in which our marriage vows have been broken.

Maybe I am the goddess of a million chances. When I first met Trevor I strongly despised him. As a manager, as a person. Perhaps in hindsight... I saw a lot of myself in him. When he was truly broken, I saw a different person. A person who wanted a good life, but had no idea how to get it, and couldn't understand their own choices and mistakes. A person who has spent their whole life messing up chances and not knowing why. I was the only one there for him. I don't care what anyone says.... After a certain point, I was the only FRIEND Trevor had, and our romantic relationship built on top of that. I suppose I just thought about what I would want a friend to do for me if I had made a mistake. I brought him things he needed, made him some meals, brought him Thanksgiving dinner. His packs of cigarettes. Forced him to get a job, A-N-Y job... every time Mariester got him fired him from a job and it knocked him back to the gutter, I picked him up and made him try again. And in return, he made me feel so special. Like, of course, that I was the best thing in his life. How thankful he was that I was there for him. He made me feel loved, and appreciated. We had fun together, and we shared a lot of the same interests. We talked about getting married, mostly because after I knew the real truth about Trevor's past (all of it.... and I know because it's pretty gruesome).... I still didn't judge him, and he didn't judge me, either. Then, rapidly, events just fell into place that made our half-serious discussion about marriage a reality.

Trevor was getting drunk the night before I almost died because of an infection I contracted in the hospital. That's why I couldn't reach him on the phone. That's why he showed up almost 4 hours after they took me to labor and delivery. That's why he was crying next to my bed. Not really so much because I was going to die... but because he felt guilty. I know that he has problems. Addiction problems, mental instability type problems. I suppose the reason that I am still with Trevor is that I love him. I love the real person he is underneath all the utter shit piled on top of it. And it's not like he has stayed the same or gotten worse. I can at least say that since Lily has been born, things have improved from bad to better and now good. It was still not great right after she was born. Trevor still did things Trevor wanted to do, but I think it finally came to a point where we were tired of fighting and hurting.... and we both know that while I'm not perfect, either, Trevor has issues that need to be worked out. We are learning to try and communicate better.

I think the real blessing in disguise is the way our relationship has improved while he is in jail. First of all, I get to spend two days with just Lily. I don't have to clean up but the house is still clean, Trevor isn't here bitching at me for doing things I like to do instead of watching TV. But at nights it's hard to sleep, and I wish he was here. I don't feel safe without him. It's little things here and there the whole time that I miss. His voice. It makes me value the time we spend together more, even if most of it is short, because he works so much.

Things are getting good. We are even (barely) ground financially and our relationship is improving and we have the most beautiful, amazing daughter in the entire world. I have hope. Lots and lots of hope. Even when I think my cup is empty... God fills it again. I'm not sure about this plan for my life, but I know if God had it in His will that Trevor and I end up together, then I will do everything I can to keep us together, our family together. Hopefully we will all come out better people.