Spring Clean

Today is the first day of spring. I love spring and summer. I love sunshine. I love going outside with Lily which is even COOLER now because she wants to know what EVERYTHING is and she wants to go EVERYWHERE. Everytime she points at something and says "WOOOOOOWWW!!" my heart melts like butter on pancakes.

I don't see how there are mothers that get tired of their kids, etc. I mean, sure, there have been times when I wanted to shake Lily so hard (which I would obviously never do, but I know for a fact there is not a parent alive that hasn't felt that way). Still, by the end of the day, I can't ever remember why, and any moment of ugliness has faded into time so fast it's like it never happened. Every day I look forward to the new adventure we are going to have. Now she is old enough to go do so many things... every day she says new words and discovers new things. Excuse me for being a moony geek parent, but it's just so freaking cool.

Lily and I went to Dad's for dinner tonight. I try to go visit my dad once a week because he adores Lily. She can throw all out war-style tantrums and he still thinks she is greatest gift on earth. I mean, while she is whining he is still mooning over her. It's so crazy to see someone you have known for 25 years as a total hardass look like such a marshmallow-y sap. My mother usually seems excited to have a cute little fun buddy, but dad is just in love. Every time I see him he has some outfit or some little trinket for her. She knows when we turn onto his street. Sometimes she looks around my house for "Paw". Anyway, it's cute. On both of their accounts.

Today I also had a friend over that is going to have a baby girl in a few months. We hung out and talked for a great while and played with Lily, and I gave her a bunch of Lily's old things that I had already packed away. I never wanted to take my stuff and get money for it because probably 99% of it we got free. Our friends and family always helped us when we needed it most and I just kind of wanted to pay that forward. Anyway, it was hard to let some of those things go and see how itty bitty they were. It reminded me of all those moments when she was so tiny and innocent and immobile and precious and fragile.... all those moments I won't have again. *heavy sigh*. Despite all the fun of having a toddler is, watching my little baby grow into one is obscenely difficult. I'm not going to cry.

Orientation tomorrow at the cafe I am starting at. Hopefully another sunny day tomorrow. I need to lose 50 pounds in 3-4 months. When I put on a bathing suit this summer, I do NOT want to feel like an albino whale. I want to wear just, maybe, 5 things from before I was pregnant. I am pretty sure leaning on the "I just had a baby crutch" ends at 12 months at the latest and Lily is fast approaching 2 years old. I am severely out of shape. Not just like I don't feel good about the way I look, but I am not healthy. I was struggling to walk sloooowly up a steep hill at Maymont. If I had gone by myself, and taken the stroller.... someone would have found me on the path/hill crying. For reals. That made me sad for myself. I can't walk up a hill without being severely winded?? I can literally FEEL that my thighs have jiggled for 45 minutes as we were walking? Gross. While I can't afford a gym membership and the thought of running makes me want to trip myself up on the pavement.... I think I will do the workouts OnDemand. They are free, they have plenty of variety. I already do the 5 minute yoga in the morning (the stretching feels so good...)... why not do some cardio workout, or ab workout later in the day? I have time, and I am tired of feeling like a fatass. More on this endevour to come.... hopefully.

I am sleepy and ready to curl up on my oversized bottom on the couch, with a blanket and the television.

Life is Never Secret

Today I am nostalgic and I want my friend back. I read a note she posted on facebook regarding her finding this blog. She was appalled that she found no account of that fateful day that ended our friendship. Like I want to detail to everyone how shitty my marriage/husband is.

Looking back, it would be a great post to read over. "Oh, this is the day I ruined my friendship".

She was closer to me than my own sister. Months could go by and we might not speak but when we did everything was exactly where we left off.

I know that will never be again. Still, sometimes I sit around and daydream about starting a new friendship. You know, she calls me up and asks if I want to get a coffee and talk. We re-hash and slightly laugh about why we were mad to begin with. We catch up on each other's lives. We realize we've changed but for the better. We like a lot of the same things still.

Daydreams are for suckers. :/


I just got another job. Yes, I know. I am still doing work for C. at the catering company, but I also got a job at a new cafe opening in Short Pump in April. I am so excited to get a legitimate job at a new place... I get to open this place. I feel ownership already. Plus, the more I work, the less time I have to spend money, which really helps with my "saving money" plan.

Yesterday we took Lily to Maymont. It was her first time seeing real farm animals and it was so fun. Lately I have been REAAAALLY missing when she was a baby. You know, before 12 months. I miss how little she was. And quiet. And sweet. And innocent. I knew eventually she would make up for what a sweet baby she was. That time has come. However, I am excited to learn about her personality. She does the cutest things. She says the cutest things. The other major thing that happened yesterday: I converted her crib to a "transitional bed". She can now get out of bed in the morning and run into my room and say "Maaaamaaaaa? Whe aaaahh booo?" (Mama, where are you?) and "WeekaaahP!" (which means wake up!). This is absolutely the best way to be woken up in the morning.

I should be compiling a list of things she says because they are all entertaining.

She says Waffle "Offuff", LOOK!, a myriad of easy words, and is also trying to say the ABC song anytime she hears it. She can count to five. She can dribble a soccer ball across the yard. I don't know what 18 month old kids are supposed to be able to do, but she does a lot. She talks.. A LOT. Mostly gibberish, but everyday more and more of it actually makes sense.

She throws tantrums. A lot of them, lately. Pretty much anytime the word "NO" is said to her equals a tantrum. I hope this is what kids are supposed to do. I would say that she is happy, smiling and fun 90% of the time. The other 10% must surely be pure demon. You would agree if you saw.

I am ready to eat lunch. I have updated every journal I own today and I feel very productive having done so.

Hollandaise and Guilt

I have become a terribly unfaithful blogger. Henceforth, wherefore, howforth..... I vow to be better about this. You know, people, apparently blog for money. Maybe there are people that want to read about my life. Highly doubtful, but that would be interesting. I could be like, a famous blogger one day.... crazy stay at home mom.... I like it.

So here's the latest news for me!! I have just finished my first semester at the culinary program. So far I did get an A in Intro to Culinary Arts (first 8 weeks), College Success Skills (second 8 weeks), and I am pretty confident I got an A in Stocks, Soups and Sauces (but haven't received my final practical grade, or project grade.... still confident), and I mean, unless I TOTALLY EFFED my final in Sanitation and Safety (which I doubt I did) then I got a VERY high A in that class. He kept my project to show future classes as an example. :D I am such a nerd. I am psyched about having 3 weeks off..... and about next semester. The next round of of classes is some Nutrition class, Meat, Seafood, and Poultry Preparation, and Fruit, Vegetable, Starch Preparation.... and Food and Beverage Service Management... starting January 12th. I really have no idea what to do with my Wednesdays for the next few weeks, but how exciting. Also, I think I feel most happy because I have gotten through the first semester, worked hard, and it paid off. Furthermore, I still want to keep going. I was terribly afraid I was going to get through one semester and find I really didn't want what I thought I wanted at all, but that isn't the case. I am just as passionate about food and taking my skills to another level as I was before. I constantly finding myself trying to learn as much as I can about food, and the culinary industry.

I also might begin working soon. I know that I've said this before, but I had an interview with a lady that owns her own catering business and she needs an assistant. Now, she really can't afford to pay for an assistant, and I really can't afford for her to NOT pay me, but we were really drawn to each other (after 3 weeks of e-mails and sudden events preventing us from meeting). I feel like God put this opportunity in my life for a reason, and he is just saying "Trust Me". So, despite the fact we have discussed no real details, I am making myself available for this, and I am going to dedicate myself to this job, even if it's only a few hours a week. Perhaps it will grow to more. For me to be working for a catering company is awesome number one. Number two, what she needs is exactly what I'm good at. I am super-organized... almost to an OCD level... so I know I can help her. Anyway, I really liked her, and of course I am interested in learning anything I can regarding food. More to come on this after Christmas, and maybe the New Year.

Trevor and I have begun to attend church, which makes me happy. I got to the point in my life when I really felt like.... "Everything is so wrong, and I can never fix it. God HAS to be the only thing right". I am starting to learn to surrender to God, and follow His path for me, rather than trying to carve out my own. After losing my best friend of over a decade... by her choice, I was overcome with grief and sorrow. She was basically the only person I felt understood me-- loved me no matter what flaws I had, and we always, always had fun together. Truthfully, I felt as though she was my only friend. I have no job, and I think maybe I'm a bit shy in real life, and all the people that used to be my friend either weren't very good friends to begin with, don't live near me, or stopped being my friend for one reason or another. After a while, you start to feel like it's you. I kept thinking, what is so wrong with me that no one will be my friend? Why does no one love me? I spent a lot of time being sad, depressed, and wallowing in self-pity. I still do that sometimes, but mostly, I have become overwhelmed with gratitude for what God has given me. All the things that I have that lots of people don't. My beautiful, beautiful, Lily. I am learning to believe that if I just do what God has planned for me, everything will be alright. I am feeling like, if I just have Him, I can make it.

Aaahhhh, Lily. She is getting bigger all the time. Her last doctor visit weighed her in at 21 lbs, 11 oz, and 2 1/2 feet tall, with a head circumference of 18 inches. The doctor said she was REALLY smart. Lily says haaaaiii (Hi), Baaah Baayyyeee! (Byebye), socks, shoes, poopoo (my fave), peepee, mama, daddy, oma, "did it" (I did it), Seeit? (Can I see it...?), milk, and various other endless babbles that are obscenely adorable. Also, the last few days her thing is to see something she likes and pucker her lips and say "oooOOOOOoooo". She likes things with buttons to press. In the morning, she does my daily Webkinz activities while sitting my lap. I load each game, and she presses the mouse button for Wishing Well, Wheel of Wow, and she laughs every time Arte talks. She can walk on her own, but refuses to do it. When she gives hugs now, she pats you on the back. She blows kisses, and tells you when she wants to go "nigh, nigh" (night, night). She also insists on having a cookie (which is actually a rice cake... or anything from a crinkly bag) whenever she gets in the car. If you try to give her a juice, she slaps it out of your hand. She has learned to throw incredible temper tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants. She insists on having her own to spoon to hold while she eats. She rarely uses it (but always tries), and refuses to take a bite unless it's in her hand. We have this cat we are feeding that was left here or something. She chases it around the house howling in laughter. I am dying to get her a puppy. Her molars are poking through the gums. She doesn't cry endlessly really, but she is an expert whiner now, and has crossed into a phase that doesn't always involve her being the angel she once was. Still, she is the most joyful thing in my life, and I am so happy with her.

For Christmas, I am going to meet Trevor's whole family. I have only met his parents, his sister, and his grandparents, and his mom's sister before. We are driving up to DC on Monday and staying the night there. Then, Tuesday morning we are going to a tour of the Pentagon. How freakin' cool is THAT?! We are having dinner there, and then coming back that night or the next day. I have this Brazilian friend in my culinary class, and he is all by himself for Christmas, so I am thinking of forcing him to tag along with me and Lily and Trevor. Christmas morning we are going to my Dad's I believe for brunch and presents. Then, I usually stop by my mother's house... as well as my aunt's, because my grandmother and other aunt are usually there, also. I love seeing all my family and I love the holidays so much! I have been doing odd and end jobs for my Dad so that I can get a present for Trevor and a few things to put under the tree for Lily without using the money Trevor earns to do it. I have so far cleaned off two decks, cleaned out 30 or so window sills, and re-organized a garage. Good thing Dad pays well! ;) Anyway, more on what I am getting everyone later... after Christmas... when there is no danger it might get read. I am thinking I might grab Mateos (my Brazilian food friend) a couple things so he can open something at each house. Like, a calendar, an American cookbook, and a guide to Richmond or something. I really need to get shopping seeing as Christmas is in exactly 1 week and I have not bought anything for anyone. Nice. Also, I have filled out 5 Christmas cards out of the about 20 I need to do. What am I DOING all day!?

Resolutions to be Considered for the New Year:

-blog more
-continue to do awesome at school
-follow only God's path
-relax more, worry less
-lose at least 50 lbs


.... more thought to come on that. I still have a couple of weeks.

Sunday and New Books

I like Sundays. I usually spend Saturdays and/or Sundays cleaning my house and doing laundry. I spend hours doing homework, which, for a geek like me, isn't that bad. Most of all, I like a Sunday with a new book. Well, I got the next two books in the Twilight series.... and something about having a brand new book with its glossy smooth cover, and crisp pages. The smell of a new book, too. I also got a cute new bookmark that is made of thin metal but it has a cute saying on it ("Shoot for the moon-- even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" -Les Brown) and it has ribbon with little moon and star charms attached. Me likey. Trevor always bitches about how I fold the pages of the book, and recently I had a discussion with someone else about it (but I forgot who) and so I am trying to be a bookmark-user instead of a corner-folder. I somehow feel much more cool with a cute bookmark peeking out of my copy of New Moon-- the book series for teens. Whatev.

Lily is down for a nap so this is the IDEAL time period to immerse myself in the world of Edward and Bella.

****SPOILER ALERT**** If you are reading Twilight or New Moon stop reading this now (unless you are reading New Moon and you are past the first 100 pages).













HOW COULD HE LEAVE HER?!?!?!?!?!?! And took the CD!! AND THE PICTURES!!!! *cries*

Loss.

My best friend since third grade hates me. I have no idea why. Actually, I can't EXACTLY remember the last time we saw each other.... I know that I have called more times than I could count. I have texted, and e-mailed.... almost to the point of sad stalkerness. No response. Trevor suggested I just write her a goodbye letter (as this has been going on for a couple of months). He figured either she would respond, or not... in which case I would have closure at least. I would KNOW our friendship is over. But I don't want closure and I don't have it either.

I hate that I spend part of EVERY DAY wondering what I could have done to make her never want to talk to me again. I hate that I rack my brain thinking about every text I sent, every comment I've made, every action.... what did I do? I hate that I will never share anything with her again. I hate that my daughter won't know her growing up. She was like a sister to me. I hate that I see things in the store and think about how she would like them... make a mental note to come get things as a Christmas present I won't ever give. Most of all, I hate that I care so much. I hate that I feel so pathetic, and I hate that I'm so hurt. I'm so, so sad that we will never talk again. That our friendship is over. She was my true friend, my soul mate... or so I thought.

What could make someone hate you so much they won't even tell you why they are ending a 15 year friendship? What is so bad about me that I have no friends.... not even my own husband likes me. Why am I so alone... and so lonely?

Pumpkin.

I carve pumpkins like a pro. I mean seriously.


There is really nothing exciting going on in my life, which is why I never blog anymore. I was starting to bore myself really.

The Office is back on so I guess that is one thing that I am excited about.

Also, my first 8 week course is finished and I got an A. My other class is 16 weeks and I currently have a 98 in that and I have started two more 8 week courses last week. School takes up a lot of time because I am a total geek.

Today it's rainy and it's cold and I hate it when my feet are cold.


Um, that's all I feel like writing for now, but I just thought I would let all my loyal readers know that my life is still as dull as ever :)

Chateau, Tournee, Work.

Well, clarified butter was fairly simple. I got a pretty decent yield out of mine, I think right around 12 oz which is what you should yield from a pound of butter. What a lame process, though. There has GOT to be a more simple way than skimming the milkfat from the butter and then ladling the butterfat into another container while trying not to disturb the water on the bottom. *shrugs*. As far as chateau and tournee'd potatoes go? *Kicks* SUPER lame. Thankfully, most everyone couldn't produce a good one, so I didn't feel totally inadequate, but I mean, what a lame process and what is the point besides having a pretty little vegetable... yes I suppose that IS the point. (Tournee/Chateau is basically just a 7-sided football shaped vegetable such as potato (refers to Chateau if it is whole) or carrot, beets, etc. I also made an herbed cream reduction with a tarragon compound butter that Robyn made the week before (my compound butter was black sage honey, and a bit of cinnamon and nutmeg, so we didn't use that for our sauce....) Anyway, Chef said it tasted delicious.... but I felt it was too thick (I think he mentioned the thickness of it, also). We initially felt it need more salt, but I suppose if we were serving it with ham or some other cured meat, it would be perfect.

I actually NEED to get lots of work done this week. I always feel like I am slightly slacking, but then I tend to know just as much if not more information than most everyone else in the class. This is comforting. I think my current grade rests at a 98, I've realized that some people don't even read the book or do the assignments....??? I have a practical exam next week, as well as a portion of my excellence project (personal mission statement section) and a midterm in my sanitation and safety class, so this week I will be working most of the week on those things, particularly the project.

On another note, tonight I am starting at Rendezvous. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I, of course, have the vision of myself mixing cocktails and making cash hand over fist.. I am trying NOT to let the images of me standing around awkwardly, wondering where things are or what I should be doing creep into my head. I'm doing this for fun, for extra cash, and for some time out of the house. This will be fun. *shakes head firmly*.

i think now I will enjoy a nap before I have to get ready to actually work for the first time in almost a year.


Oh, and today Lillian is OFFICIALLY one year old :D