Wishing Well

I am convinced my husband doesn't love me. Or anyone. Probably not even himself. I think he is incapable of real love. I don't think he even loves Lily unconditionally. The psychologist said he may have to come to grips with the fact that he will never have a long-term relationship. What does that mean for our marriage? What does that mean for Lily? I'm sad that Lily won't have a daddy that loves her no matter what. Today, he was reading a book and she was shuffling around on the bed, and she finally got herself over to him, climbed up him and he literally shrugged her off and moved away so he could concentrate on his reading. She just wanted his attention... and while I do think that he cares about her, Trevor will never concern himself with others before himself. In other words, his mind said "I like you Lily, but I'm trying to read!". The book isn't going anywhere, you know? It's not going to disappear. Anyway, then it was a bit after 12 and I asked him if he wanted to feed her and he exploded. Basically, he said something along the lines of how I'm lazy because when he's here, I always ask him to do everything with her. See, the thing is... I LIKE feeding Lily. I LIKE giving her a bath. I LIKE cuddling on the bed or couch and watching Noggin, I LIKE playing with her. And I just figured that when he was here, he might want to do those things, too. But really, he sees taking CARE of Lily as a chore. He just wants the instant gratification she gives him of a smile or a giggle or an utterance of "dadadada" and then he's done until he wants her adoration again. He doesn't want to be part of RAISING her, he just wants a plaything. For himself. I feel like this means all her life she will be let down by him. And honestly, I can't stand by and ever see that little girl hurt. EVER.

Then he says things like "Why don't you just divorce me then?". I feel like this is his way of saying "I want to divorce you, but I don't have the balls to admit it". I feel like he is scared of what people are going to think or say if he divorces me. His parents and family might ask, "Why? What was so bad about Erica that YOU wanted a divorce?" and the thing is, he doesn't know. I don't cheat (he has), I don't lie (he has.... countless times), I care about OUR life and OUR family... He just doesn't like the fact that I expect him to grow as a person, and be a good person, and act like an adult and have a good life. I really don't think he wants those things. I think he wants complete and total freedom from everything and everyone. I think he wants to be able to pick and choose when he is responsible or not.

I feel like my marriage is doomed. I feel sad I married a sociopath. I feel sad that I have put up with so much and so much and so much that everything feels lost, yet I know I won't ever end our marriage. I feel overwhelmingly sad about us a lot of the time. I feel like he tricked me into thinking he was in love with me.... The charming way he used to say sweet things to me every morning. The way he convinced me to have Lily and that we would have a happy life. He hates me. He doesn't like the person I am, the things I want out of life, the way I talk, the way I look. I truly believe he doesn't like a thing about me.

I am always waiting for the day he runs off and never comes back. I am waiting for the day he screws me over so hard. I am waiting for the final mess I will have to clean up.

I am wishing that none of this is true. I am wishing that he will continue going to a doctor and something will change. I am wishing that we will live a happy life and raise our daughter in a happy, loving home.

I'm just wondering if any of that is possible for a person like him.

Awkward, Rocks, Sandwich

Things I have done since my last post... Let's see.

Wednesday night my sister and I went to Innsbrook to see The Used. My ex right before I got married, who now hates my guts, by the way, was standing less than a couple of feet behind us the entire show. That is what I call awkward. I am pretty sure he made a couple of snide comments my way, but whatev. Afterwards, Kelly and I get into an argument since she is not willing to compromise and go to more than one bar afterward. Being 21 is like a curse. Most 21-year-olds run around getting wasted, partially ruining their lives (depending on how far they take the getting wasted) and ignoring the fact that the rest of the world has feelings and lives still.

Thursday Trevor and I drove to Williamsburg so I could drop payment and other things off at my lawyer's office. Then, we drove a bit further to Newport News to see Plaga... I took a nap there. That was kind of rude, I think, but Plaga is really Trevor's friend so I didn't really feel bad. Plus, it was like, 85 degrees in his house (and at least that hot, or maybe actually COOLER) outside. Who keeps their house that hot?? Then, we came home... Trevor didn't watch Top Chef the night before so we watched that, then of course, Scrubs and The Office. The Office strikes again with another HILARIOUS episode. I thought it was going to be the beginning of the end for Pam and Jim (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) but I think I was wrong. Despite their horribly unlucky and bad day, Jim and Pam remain their totally cool selves and don't even start arguing with each other. Why is my life NOT like a sitcom at all?? Cruelly funny but always works out in the end?

That brings me to today. I finally convince Trevor to go to "the rocks". In Richmond, this means Belle Isle... the James River. However, the entire river is peppered with giant rocks perfect for sunning, picnicking, pretty much anything. Trevor and I and Lily get there around 9 something this morning. I convinced Trevor to do something outdoors and... HE LOVED IT. It's a pretty long walk from the parking lot to Belle Isle (it's a little island/park so you have to walk across this HUUUUUGE suspended bridge)... Anyway, got some awesome pictures of Lily and the pretty side of Richmond that most people don't get to see or have no idea about. Trevor is working on the final Harry Potter book so he stood in the water and read that. Lily napped, my mom showed up for a while, and then we went to lunch at Kitchen 64. Dang, that place was AWESOME. Kind of like diner/southern food, but dressed up with more "exotic" ingredients (not really, just more exotic than a BLT). It was SOOOO good. Since my skin burns outside in about twenty minutes and we spent about 3 hours outside, I realize at the restaurant I have a nice sunburn going. I don't mind too much... my skin is so fair that I have been burning worse than this since I was a little girl, and maybe this year I can get a tan. I heard tans make you look more slim. I could use some of that. I saw a picture Trevor took of me holding Lily today and it was VERY upsetting. I thought I was LOSING weight, but I swear from this picture, you would think I'm pregnant again. It was disgusting. Talk about the OPPOSITE of a morale booster.

Anyway, we get home, and my mom hangs out for a little bit.... then she leaves, Trevor heads to work, and Lily pretends to take a nap. After a while, I just get her up.... we eat some dinner, do the bath thing and then go hang out on my bed for a while. The next thing I know, I am waking up to Trevor coming home... it's after 11! Lily fell asleep right next to me. I love that so much. Waking up snuggling with my baby :)

I submitted all three of my entries to the LOL art contest. I only have faith in one. The other two are okay, but really, I just wanted to make sure I had three entries. I was severely uninspired. It's sad, too, because I think I'm pretty damn funny and witty in every day life, but I can't just produce it on command!

I think I am ready to go back to sleep... but I felt the world needed to catch up on my week.

Routines and Silence

I am sitting here watching "Go, Diego, Go" (with Lily) waiting for her to want to go to sleep. Surprisingly, at quarter to 8 she isn't crying. She is just sweetly siting in her swing chewing on some teething thing. Just I wrote that, she rubbed her eyes and looked straight at me as if to say "Isn't it bedtime now?".

Today felt like every day for the rest of my life. At 7 AM, Lily woke up. I changed her, started her on some milk and Noggin and got to cleaning. As probably stated before, I can't relax unless the house is clean. So I do the kitchen, the living room, our bedroom, etc... Trevor sleeps in. I think he appreciated that. I even washed his work clothes in the load of laundry I started. Lily goes back to sleep around 9:30 AM. Trevor reads Harry Potter, I play Kingdom Hearts. Lily gets up around 11:30 AM. She plays for a while, then Trevor feeds her for me. It's great, I really don't like feeding her. What a mess. Sometimes she spits. Anyway, my mom came by since she's been out of town and we haven't seen her for almost a week. I love hanging out with my mom. She didn't stay for more than an hour, but I am sure she will be back this week now that she is back in town. Anyway, then Lily took another nap, and I decided I would also. Trevor left for work right as Lily was waking back up around 4:30 PM. She played again. I call her toy areas "The Circuit". Like a workout thing. First, she plays on the blanket scooting around and wishing she could crawl. Then, she gets in the swing until she's over that, then the exercauser. Then, bouncy seat with milk. Repeat... most of the time. This evening, it was one rotation and then dinner time. No Trevor to do the honors for me. She ate a lot... probably because it was fruit, which she loves, and sweet potatoes which is the one veggie (if you can call it that) that she really likes. Then she had a bath right after dinner as always. I think she likes baths now. Today she was kind of grumpy during it. But after she had a bottle, and when she was through with the bottle I stuck her in the swing and now she is talking to Diego like they are best friends.

She will go to bed soon, and then I will probably watch Entourage. Season 4 is OnDemand now, which I am truly excited about, because I haven't seen most of them. I am severely disappointed they took InTreatment off of OnDemand, I hadn't finished watching them, and I find them really interesting. I can't watch them one at a time, but sometimes, I just get in the mood and watch about 7 episodes. Now it's gone. The only weird thing is that my mom went to school and grew up with one of the main actors (Blair Underwood). She used to give him rides to school and stuff, they lived in the same neighborhood. Anyway, so instead of seeing his character now, I just think "Hey, that's my mom's friend".

I am also very excited because Trevor said we could go to Baltimore for Otakon. Well, actually, I was going to go anyway, but now he is going to go with me. Not to Otakon, but to Baltimore. It's not far from Richmond (just a couple of hours) and while him and mom gave me a bit of a hard time for liking (fluff)friends enough to go to a convention for it, I am excited and my mom thinks it's cool. Kind of like when we went to a scrapbooking convention last summer. If you really enjoy something, you should REALLY enjoy it, no matter how dorky it is. I am excited to meet the creator, some of the mods I've met on the forums, and OF COURSE, Mama... When I first started on the (fluff)friends forum, I ran across this thread called "Ask Mama". It was probably the funniest thing ever. This chick is just offering free advice like an advice columnist except her advice is HILARIOUS. I spent about two hours reading through the thread right off the bat. Then, of course, I asked her advice about something and I was hooked. Later, she created a new thread called "Mama's House" where all of us chatting in her advice thread could chat so she wouldn't miss important questions. Anyway, her real name is Jen, and she has been asked to work the booth there, so most of all I am excited to meet her. She just seems so damn cool, but also thoughtful, caring, and above all, smart. I like smart people.

Just for giggles... here is what I ate today also. This morning, I heated up some creamed chipped beef from Sunday brunch, some potatoes, a sausage link and I fried an egg. I love fried eggs. Then, Trevor made me beef and broccoli for lunch... he made himself some Teriyaki marinated steak and that was pretty tasty, surprisingly. Trevor has really stepped up his culinary game lately.

No shows that I like come on tonight. Lily is looking about ready for sleep and I am ready to watch some Entourage.... I have been playing Kingdom Hearts all day and I'm really not as good as I think I am. Oh, except I keep forgetting that I did it on Expert, so maybe that's why it's so damn hard. I am going to finish Kingdom Hearts 2 first probably. I remembered playing it while I was pregnant and getting very far, and then just.... stopped.

Day 2 (as a housewifey)... it was exciting, no?

Go Round & Round

Friday felt like the start of a new era for me. Well, actually, moving into the house felt like a new era. Then, Trevor and I starting with a "clean slate" felt like a new era. Now, losing my job at RAC feels like a new era. Trevor's idea was to work in the kitchens at Mag's in the mornings for 40 hours a week (about 15 more hours than I was working) and making a dollar more an hour. Then, he has some connections and thinks he can bartend at Havana a few nights a week. Either way, he would be bringing in more money than when I was working. So... I am now... a housewife. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to go crazy not working at all. I do like the idea of being in control of the house and the errands and responsibilities. I kind of like the idea that he is just responsible for making money and being a good father and husband. I am afraid that he is going to hold it against me... that I don't make money. Does it even out? When one partner does all the home stuff and one brings home all the money... is that a fair trade? Anyway, he suggested this whole idea, so I guess we're going to give it a try.

Today is Saturday. We went grocery shopping this morning. Grocery shopping with Trevor is like shopping with perhaps a 5 or 6 year old. Halfway through they get all cranky and annoyed and hard to deal with... and the other half of the time is spent asking if we can buy ridiculous things that we don't have money for... and then pouting when I say no because we can't afford it. I guess it's good practice for when Lily gets older... but Lily is so sweet, I can't see her ever acting like that (though I'm sure she will). I wasted most of the rest of the day, but after Lily went down this evening, I "spring" cleaned some things. I organized the cabinets in the kitchen because Trevor just throws everything in them all helter-skelter. Then, I did all the dishes and cleaned the rest of the kitchen. I also cleaned the rest of the house, did all the floors, and all the laundry. I'm sort of OCD, I think. I can only relax if my environment is neat and orderly.

I wonder if there are legitimate work-at-home opportunities. I don't want to make, like, SERIOUS, cash... just have something to do and maybe profit from it.

I want to start my gardening this week. And go re-apply for Medicaid and foodstamps. I don't find that embarrassing... I feel like if the help is available, I should take advantage of it, right?

Who in the world is going to be interested in reading the diary of a young housewife...?