Wishing Well

I am convinced my husband doesn't love me. Or anyone. Probably not even himself. I think he is incapable of real love. I don't think he even loves Lily unconditionally. The psychologist said he may have to come to grips with the fact that he will never have a long-term relationship. What does that mean for our marriage? What does that mean for Lily? I'm sad that Lily won't have a daddy that loves her no matter what. Today, he was reading a book and she was shuffling around on the bed, and she finally got herself over to him, climbed up him and he literally shrugged her off and moved away so he could concentrate on his reading. She just wanted his attention... and while I do think that he cares about her, Trevor will never concern himself with others before himself. In other words, his mind said "I like you Lily, but I'm trying to read!". The book isn't going anywhere, you know? It's not going to disappear. Anyway, then it was a bit after 12 and I asked him if he wanted to feed her and he exploded. Basically, he said something along the lines of how I'm lazy because when he's here, I always ask him to do everything with her. See, the thing is... I LIKE feeding Lily. I LIKE giving her a bath. I LIKE cuddling on the bed or couch and watching Noggin, I LIKE playing with her. And I just figured that when he was here, he might want to do those things, too. But really, he sees taking CARE of Lily as a chore. He just wants the instant gratification she gives him of a smile or a giggle or an utterance of "dadadada" and then he's done until he wants her adoration again. He doesn't want to be part of RAISING her, he just wants a plaything. For himself. I feel like this means all her life she will be let down by him. And honestly, I can't stand by and ever see that little girl hurt. EVER.

Then he says things like "Why don't you just divorce me then?". I feel like this is his way of saying "I want to divorce you, but I don't have the balls to admit it". I feel like he is scared of what people are going to think or say if he divorces me. His parents and family might ask, "Why? What was so bad about Erica that YOU wanted a divorce?" and the thing is, he doesn't know. I don't cheat (he has), I don't lie (he has.... countless times), I care about OUR life and OUR family... He just doesn't like the fact that I expect him to grow as a person, and be a good person, and act like an adult and have a good life. I really don't think he wants those things. I think he wants complete and total freedom from everything and everyone. I think he wants to be able to pick and choose when he is responsible or not.

I feel like my marriage is doomed. I feel sad I married a sociopath. I feel sad that I have put up with so much and so much and so much that everything feels lost, yet I know I won't ever end our marriage. I feel overwhelmingly sad about us a lot of the time. I feel like he tricked me into thinking he was in love with me.... The charming way he used to say sweet things to me every morning. The way he convinced me to have Lily and that we would have a happy life. He hates me. He doesn't like the person I am, the things I want out of life, the way I talk, the way I look. I truly believe he doesn't like a thing about me.

I am always waiting for the day he runs off and never comes back. I am waiting for the day he screws me over so hard. I am waiting for the final mess I will have to clean up.

I am wishing that none of this is true. I am wishing that he will continue going to a doctor and something will change. I am wishing that we will live a happy life and raise our daughter in a happy, loving home.

I'm just wondering if any of that is possible for a person like him.