Sandy Nilla Wafers

Okay. So, yes, I went to the beach with some friends last Monday and it was a blast. I have never taken Lily and we had a great time. Matt's sons are SOOOO cute, and Elaina watched Lily for me here and there so I could just swim out into the ocean and be all alone for a few minutes. I really need a night out. I need to spend a few minutes without Lily attached to me. I guess there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. As I said, I have no problem being a stay at home mom except there is really no break to the monotony. And no one to watch the baby for a bit while I just go be with myself. I am the child care.

Anyway, I digress. Matt came all prepared (as I like to do) with sandwiches and snacks and drinks. I love a good chicken salad. Then, after we left he showed me one of the stores he is in charge of and it was SOOOO cool. I kind of wished I lived in Hampton Roads just so I could go to this place and hang out. So, on Wednesday when I picked Trevor up, I texted Matthew to see if he was working and he was, so we rode out there. He gave Trev the grand tour and then treated us to lunch AND free merchandise. I've been wearing the hoodie he gave us for, like three days straight now. Trevor asked me if I liked it. It's miiiiine. Ha.

Then, we went to dinner Wednesday evening at Maggiano's. I love family style and Trevor gets half off. I had the mussels and he had some like, fried mozzarella plank. Then we had the chopped salad and the spinach salad. By then we were full. Everything is all you can eat and we each had two portions of the appetizer and a large portion of salad. We got our pasta and entree course boxed to go and then we skipped to desert. I had creme brulee (YUM) and Trevor ordered this toasted pound cake with chocolate ganache, vanilla ice cream, and carmelized bananas. It was SO good, and I HATE pound cake. Afterwards, we took Lily to the play area in the mall. Trevor was SUPER over protective at first worried about the other kids tripping over her or hurting her or something. After a while, he loosened up. HE'S the one that has brought up preschool and day care so much and I'm, like, you're freaking out about other kids while you are PRESENT. It's time to realize she is getting older, and sometimes she's going to get hurt. Kids fall down. The run into things and other kids. She'll be tough ;) Overall, it was a really nice day, and I got to spend it with Trevor and Lily and that was really great.

Yesterday was a day full of nothing. Trevor took the car for work all day, so Lily and I sat around and well, sat around. I did walk to Hardee's later in the day to share some cheddar fries with Lily and get some exercise. See, if you want to eat fatty foods like bacon cheddar fries, you have to walk your fat ass there to get them, so at least you can say you walked it off.

Today has also been a day full of nothing. Kelly came over around five which pissed me off because Lily was sleeping and Dakota barked as he always does. He has one of those small dog barks so it always wakes her up. She was like, "Well, I called your house and your cell" and I was all "Uhhh, yeah, I didn't answer because I didn't want to be disturbed". I was also trying to nap since I really have been feeling kind of burnt out lately. Anyway, it was okay in the end... we had fun hanging out. Her boyfriend went to culinary school and he brought me all sorts of awesome stuff like knives, and slicer, and spoons and spatulas, and it was AWESOME. I mean, what a thoughtful guy. AND, I found out he is a Redskins fan!! Kelly gets all the good catches. HAHAHA. I am totally kidding, I love my husband, but finally Kelly is with a dude that isn't a total douche. They are going to Bar Louie, and I wish Trevor was home so I could go, too. Actually, we can't afford for me to go, so oh well.

Tomorrow night we are going to a pig roast for my friend Katie who just got married.
Now, THAT is some fun! I will probably see lots of old friends from Friday's and Lily will get to swim and I love a good roasted pig.

I guess that's all. Don't get jealous of my super adventurous exciting life.

Best Day Ever.

Today just turned into the best day ever.


Both my parents had agreed to split the cost of my first semester of culinary classes, and I would buy the uniform, tool kit, books. Which ended up being a lot. My dad went to pay for my stuff, and wanted to know how much, so I logged in. Turns out, I got a Federal Pell Grant for like 2400 a semester which is more than I really need anyway! I am so excited. I am going to get to go to school for FREE. FINALLY. Anyway. I am seriously excited about this, it's only the best thing ever. I don't have to worry about paying for all that other stuff AND my parents don't have to pay a dime either.

That's all really.

Things I learned at the beach

1. Elaina gives really good hugs. Not like those, "hey, nice to see you" generic hugs, but like a "I really missed your company, and I'm glad to see you today" kinda hug. I'm not being all lesbo, but seriously, the girl makes you feel welcome.

2. Jellyfish look like someone lost their silicone boob in the ocean.

3. Sand gets everywhere. Even places that are seemingly impossible for sand to have migrated to.

4. My daughter would rather play with a Nilla wafer box than anything else in the world.

5. Sunscreen is NOT dorky.

6. Matthew thinks smarter, not harder. I like this quality in a person. Also under #6 for things I learned at the beach... Matthew and I are a LOT alike. I won't go into lots of detail, but the more I hang out with him, the more I am like... WOAH. Stop being me. Our thought processes are pretty similar. But somehow, each of us brings to the table a point of view the other hadn't seen. It's almost as if we both have the missing link the other one needs. I mean all this in a totally platonic way, for those of you that actually read this and have no idea who I am talking about. (You could read back to the post about the race and I am talking about the same people). Just wanted to clarify that I'm not getting all gooey eyed or anything.


I need to go to California Pizza Kitchen and have a pizza. Desperately. So that's all for now.

Psycho Mom Rolls On

Well, what's new? Trevor, Lily and I went to see Umphrey's McGee and Sound Tribe Sector 9 Wednesday night at Innsbrook. I think, personally, it was my favorite show we've taken Lily to because Trevor wasn't all pissed off. We just ate some food, and played. There was a younger baby next to us, and Lily was ALL about that. She was grabbing her and sitting next to her. I think she thinks other babies are toys. Today, I was at Short Pump Town Center and they have this play area in the food court. There was only 1 other little girl in there when we went so I figured I would let her crawl around and pull herself up on all the stuff (giant plastic ice cream cone, giant soda bottle... you get the idea). Well, the other little girl was adorable, but mean. I mean, she was a little girl (3, I think) so she didn't know any better, but she hit Lily in the face (not hard enough for Lily to do anything) and then kicked her. Like, WTF?! It makes me hate other children when they are mean to my little Lily. I think I am too overprotective, actually. I come to this realization when I say things like... "I'll just learn to homeschool her" or "Why should she go to preschool?!". I mean, I'm all for her doing things like dance, or sports, and socializing with other children. I just don't want that time to be unsupervised by me. I guess I don't want other children's actions... or even adult's supervision that I don't know to influence how my child acts until she knows how to act on her own. I'm a psycho mom. Yes.

Anyway, we walked around the mall a while, and then I bought a gloss, of course, at Limited Too. I wish I had bought the toucan there, or maybe the alligator... or even the rottweiler, but they were marked sixteen bucks, so I didn't. The gloss was marked about 6 and it ended up being less than 4. Oh, well. I got a dalmation, instead, at Ben Franklin Crafts later. I also got the rest of PJ's stuff. I don't think she has this link, so I feel at liberty to discuss this with the warning to all of my readers that know her that if she finds out I will hate you all for life. Anyway, I got her this BBQ sauce that my family came up with the recipe for and then sold it during the Depression, and some cookbooks, some really neat beads because she makes earrings, an "Erica is Awesome" t-shirt, a couple of yoo-hoos, potato rolls, a little organizer thingie that's pink and black and says "So many shoes, so little time" on it, and also this little tiny foldy book thing that I made. It's like a miniature pre-made scrapbook or keepsake book that's basically paper folding a cool way to make a book with covers I made. Anyway, that plus her mouse webkinz and I'll be shipping out in a couple of days :D .

I enrolled in classes for the fall and now I'm very nervous. I just found out that my uniform is really only about 50 bucks, so that's half what I thought, but I have to pay for books and this tool kit things with knives and slicers and whatnot so that's probably going to be another 200, in a month. I'm nervous about money and Trevor's jail trip each week is costing us so much. Rent is due in 11 days and we have 50 dollars. :( I can't voice my concerns to Trevor because he already feels all the pressure of being the only source of income for our family. Thankfully, he had several more interviews this past week to find an hourly cooking job, and then he will work at Texas Road House, too. Or maybe Applebee's will hire him as a manager, since he has an interview for that. I just hope we have enough money to keep our heads above water, since we are barely treading water now, instead of sinking. It's time to really be disciplined with our money, which means I have to stop buying things like Webkinz (though I have done really well.... until today). You all hear me vow that I will not buy another one until August 1. Wait.... until the rent is paid. Yeah. So hopefully that gets done by August 1. Anyway, I'm worried about actually GOING to class. I mean, what if I'm not good? What if I look stupid? At least this is something I'm passionate about, and things are finally starting to move for me.

Plus, I still have to set aside the money for our weekend in Baltimore. I might end up not being able to go to actual Otakon, just the dinner and other, cheaper things with Trevor. It's going to be almost 70 bucks just to go see the fluff booth or whatever, and that's all I'm interested in. But I don't know if I'm interested in it enough to pay 70 bucks. I guess we'll see when we get there. I definitely still wanna go to Baltimore because it's a weekend away with Trevor, and I REALLY wanna go to the Hard Rock dinner. Note to self, must make the rest of gold for Trevor's reservation.

I have also officially made every solved recipe on Webkinz. It costs less than 3000kc. I'm such a nerd.

I think Lily wants to eat dinner now.

Action Required

I want to blog, but I don't. What do I blog about anyway anymore? Would everyone like to hear again how my day is like every other day? Geeeeee. I woke up, fed Lily. Played online, played with Lily. Lily takes a nap. Today I mowed the lawn. I like mowing the lawn because it's good exercise. Afterwards, I feel supremely exhausted. My plants are growing really well, but I think I might have run over some of my sprouting scallions with the lawn mower by accident. Anyway, back to the routine. Lily gets up, we eat lunch. We play some more. Today I went to the store. I stood for 10 minutes by the diapers trying to decide whether to spend 10 dollars and get 40 diapers, or 19 dollars for 104. Obviously, you can see which is the best deal, but when it's you're last 20 or 30 bucks the decision is difficult. Lily and I go home. We eat dinner. Bathtime. More playtime. Milk, Bedtime. More being attached to my laptop.

See, the thing is... I love my life. But it's SOOOOO mundane. And whenever I make plans to break the mundanity and do something with other people, I always back out. When the day comes to go BE with other people, I get all anxious and I start feeling like I don't want to go. I feel like I will go somewhere, be having a miserable time. Then I will want to leave but I won't be able to because it will be too early or would be considered rude. Kind of like I hate riding with other people to things because I want to control when I can leave.

I think I just need to go to sleep. I'm bored and tired of the dullness.

McNuggets bond FAMILIES, people.

Okay, so going to this class tonight was like being in school again because we had a substitute. This thing is supposed to last from 6PM until 7:30PM. Usually we get out around seven anyway. But we were like DRAGGING to waste time and still left by 6:45. It was awesome. I got home, and Wes and I walked to the store and I bought him some cookies. My mom likes coming to watch Lily on Monday nights and I like getting to hang out with her.

Today, Kelly came by around 3:30 and then my mom showed up with Wes about an hour later and we all went to McDonald's (my brother refuses to eat anything besides some form of chicken nuggets) and, well..... I effing love Chicken McNuggets. Doesn't anyone remember way back in the day when they had McNuggets dressed as all sorts of different things? They gave them out as toys in Happy Meals. When Happy Meals were in boxes. Are they back in boxes? For a while, I remember them being in bags and everyone is like.... WTF??? Half the fun of a happy meal is the friggin' box. Geesh. Anyway, I digress. It was cool for all of us to be together and I think Mom enjoyed having a dinner with her kids and her grandkid all at once, since... I don't think that's even happened since Lily's been born. Even if it was just McDonald's... it was nice. Plus, Lily is so much fun, it's like constant entertainment. She surely was wolfing down fries like no other. Wonder where she gets the fat kid syndrome... (Admittedly... Trevor and I both LOVE food).

Other than that, my house is supremely clean and I love it. The next two days are going to be so relaxing. Other than Lily's teething.

I have lots of kinzcash to be making and a little one that needs to go Nighty Night. :) Making a taco night for yourself is really kind of pointless. I need to cook this ground beef and it's meant for taco night but I just can't bring myself to do it all by myself.

Also, I have one last thing to share that a friend shared with me and it really, really stuck with me.

"The purpose of life is a life with purpose".

Chew on that.

Spotless

My house is virtually spotless. I mean, I cleaned places in this house I've probably never cleaned since we've lived here and I feel so damn good. Actually, I feel hot, and sweaty, but good under all that. My house feels calm, it smells clean and fresh. And the next two days I don't have to clean it AT ALL. I really need to go finish folding laundry and take a shower.



I missed a W coupon and a shake for my cheeky monkey while cleaning. Damn being responsible. I also broke a jar somehow and there are little shards of glass all over the back room and it's annoying me.


Okay, um, yes a very short lived blog, but I have lots to do in the next few hours before my mom comes. I have to go to that stupid Early Intervention group for some trouble I got into TWO FREAKIN' YEARS AGO! I can't even believe I am still required to do this, but such is life when you break the law. Five more weeks.... then 8 weeks of ASAP... BOOOOO. I will be so so glad when all this is done.

Right. So. Maybe some more later.

Bores and Snores

I finally got to talk to PJ for a minute today! This makes me oh-so-happy. I know there are crazy things going on for her, but I just love her positive vibe, despite all she goes through :) It was a good start to the day.

Yesterday, Trevor managed to get his shift switched so he worked in the morning instead of the evening and we went to my dad's for a cookout and swimming. It was nice because there weren't a lot of people there this time, and usually by the time we get there the food is all put away and everyone is half-wasted. Lily is getting used to being at my dad's and around all those people, which is great. She doesn't insist on being held the entire time and only by us. Plus, she loves the pool. My dad always sends us home with massive amounts of food. It's wonderful. I tried to hint to him that I wanted to stay at his corporate apartment when we got Otakon but I guess he didn't get it, because he didn't offer. ;) Then, Trevor and I watched another episode or two of The Riches on my laptop. The night before, after Trevor got home from work, we watched like three episodes in a row and we were up until about 3:30 AM. Thankfully, Lily slept in.... until 8:30 AM. I guess that's why last night we both passed out by 11:30 PM. Lily slept until 8:30 AM again, but I was up a zillion times last night. I usually never sleep through the night, but it's been a while since I have gotten up that many times.

Trevor decided to work a double today, and Lily and I are supposed to go swimming with some friends of mine and their two girls, but I just don't feel like doing anything today. Especially not being social. Why couldn't they ask me during the two days a week Trevor is gone and I am bored out of my skull. I just sent a text begging out of going. I see lots of internet-ing and doing nothing in my future for the day. Besides, Lily still won't take a nap and it's almost 1 PM. And it's obscenely hot outside. I need to mow the lawn but I just can't bring myself to do it.

My life is SOOOOO boring.

Gas and Gloss

I have decided that cars that have that "Premium Unleaded Fuel Only" notice right under the odometer has some sort of deal with oil companies. There is no fuckin' way I am spending, like, 4.17 a gallon on gas. That's more than a freakin' webkinz lip gloss costs. So, anyway, I have spent the last couple of months using regular unleaded. Sometimes I feel bad so I use mid-grade. I think my car runs better now that I am using regular than when I used premium. Maybe premium gas is a scam. What does it mean really?? These gas distinctions...? What IS the difference between regular, midgrade, and premium gas anyway?? Anyway, oil companies must pay car companies to put that on their nice cars so people will spend more on gas, but I, my friends, am not fooled.


Webkinz lip gloss is indeed delightful. I have strawberry, apple, and blueberry. I am probably going to have to buy some and give it away after using the code, because there are at least 10 more items to get for the salon collection. Currently, I have wallpaper, flooring, and a reception desk and that's it. It's a sad salon.

I desperately want to drink a Coke. The ones I just bought are still hot. Why do canned cokes take like, 6 hours to refrigerate properly?

Yes, mostly boring.

What a _________ Day. (Fill in the blank)

It's not really a bad day, just annoying. First of all, sometimes a gal just wants a bong hit. Judge me if you want, but when there are lots of stresses and annoyances in life, a good binger just takes the edge off. There is none of that today. It's annoying.

Lily is teething something fierce. She has three teeth already. It was manageable. Today she has been whining and crying randomly all day because her top teeth are coming in. I feel really bad for her being in pain, but because I am not used to her being unhappy... I feel really irritated by it. I feel like a bad mother for saying that. I just can't take non-stop whining and crying. It makes my mind feel chaotic. Also, for some reason she insists on crawling on this brick hearth we have. It has a wood burning stove on and I am so terrified she is going to hurt herself, but she continues to crawl on it instead of the floor. I wonder if she likes the feel of cold brick. Earlier today, she found a tube of old diaper cream while her teeth were hurting and she held it up to me, and then she started chewing on it... Like it was the Orajel tube. Hello, Children's Tylenol.

Trevor's parents totally just set us on even ground financially. They paid all our past bills, and our rent for July. I was so happy and excited to be getting such a once in a lifetime second chance. But now I am worried is for naught because Trevor going to jail in Williamsburg for two days every week is killing us financially. The gas alone is 100 bucks. Then we have to pay 20 for him to be there. Then another 10 dollars a week if he wants to call me. ONCE. So right there is 130 dollars a week. Maggiano's isn't really bringing in the big dollars either, because the economy sucks and who the fuck eats italian food in the dead of summer anyway? Oh, I tell ya, I just LOOOOVEE a huge plate of alfredo sauce when it's 100 degrees outside. Anyway, point is, we're broke, and I don't want our second chance to vanish. Trevor and I are considering him just going and finishing his last 8 days all at once instead of him being gone for two days every week and spending so much money taking him there and picking him up. I am just worried that we will screw ourselves if he doesn't work at all for 8 days. Worry worry worry worry.

So, I found a location to buy this Webkinz lip gloss that Jen keeps raving about that I was secretly going to buy anyway before she got it.... Mapquest said it was 1.49 miles away. I'm thinkin' "I can walk 3 miles". So I load up the stroller and Lily and off we go (it's like, 90 something degrees IN VIRGINIA... which means humid also). Well, the walk there wasn't bad until I realized I went like half a mile in the wrong direction. Not too horrible. I turn around and go the right way. The right way happens to be a much harder walk with no sidewalk, bumpy terrain (remember... stroller) and it's a damn hill. Anyway, I traverse all these conditions and I'm like... It has GOT to be in that shopping center, I mean, there's a Ukrop's for chrissakes. In Virginia, there is like, ALWAYS a Hallmark by a Ukrop's. And there WAS a Hallmark by this particular Ukrop's. But there is not anymore. *Bangs head on glass of Hallmark". WHHHYYYYYYYYY. I walk like 4 miles to try and cheer myself up and it just made it worse. The walk home was almost unbearable. I mean, I knew the walk home would suck, but it would have been bearable had I been wearing some delightful mango or blueberry lip gloss. Actually, it would have been even more bearable if I had gotten home and was unlocking salon furniture right now. But I'm not.

I'm watching Noggin with Lily while she crawls around laughing wearing nothing but a diaper and waiting for her bath. She makes every day bearable when I think it really really blows. That and the fact that two of my friends have cancer, and dammit, at least I don't have cancer.

I want friends. Like, friends that call me and come over and we go out to dinner and sit around each other's houses like we live there. Friends that I can call and tell about the dumbest thing. Friends who can give me a hug when I'm done, or dammit, just a big excited hug when I see them.

Thank God America's Best Dance Crew is on tonight. Now, if Mario Lopez would just come down with a serious illness that will render him mute. The day would then be totally worth it.

Where Am I Walking To?

I can't believe it's been over a month since the last time I wrote here. I promised myself to document my days, since I have an abundance of time on my hands.... sort of. But how much can one write about being a mother, and housewife. The life is kind of dull, though the players are most certainly not. And in a way, I wished this dullness.... the excitement of my and our past being too much for me to handle. Looking back, I think about all the reckless and careless things Trevor and I have done. Really, because we were at a point in our lives (separately and together) where we just didn't care the dangers of what we did... we just wanted to have fun.

Anyway, I remember being pregnant. It was the worst 7.5 months of my life. There was no loving husband who wanted to take care of me and our baby. In a lot of ways, I think I might resent Trevor the most for those months. I was alone, besides a little Maltese, in the dead of summer.... blowing up like a balloon for some unresolved medical reason, barely able to move or walk depending on how hot it was. On the one hand, Trevor did work to support us both, but my Dad bailed us out a couple of times. On the other hand, he spent lots of nights drinking, lying, and doing plenty of other things that caused me to stay up late more than one night calling hospitals, jails.... wondering where the hell my husband was. He's done so many horrible things to me, I sometimes wonder why I am still here. Most women... and probably most men do or would think I'm stupid for staying with someone like Trevor after all the things he has done to me. The many ways in which our marriage vows have been broken.

Maybe I am the goddess of a million chances. When I first met Trevor I strongly despised him. As a manager, as a person. Perhaps in hindsight... I saw a lot of myself in him. When he was truly broken, I saw a different person. A person who wanted a good life, but had no idea how to get it, and couldn't understand their own choices and mistakes. A person who has spent their whole life messing up chances and not knowing why. I was the only one there for him. I don't care what anyone says.... After a certain point, I was the only FRIEND Trevor had, and our romantic relationship built on top of that. I suppose I just thought about what I would want a friend to do for me if I had made a mistake. I brought him things he needed, made him some meals, brought him Thanksgiving dinner. His packs of cigarettes. Forced him to get a job, A-N-Y job... every time Mariester got him fired him from a job and it knocked him back to the gutter, I picked him up and made him try again. And in return, he made me feel so special. Like, of course, that I was the best thing in his life. How thankful he was that I was there for him. He made me feel loved, and appreciated. We had fun together, and we shared a lot of the same interests. We talked about getting married, mostly because after I knew the real truth about Trevor's past (all of it.... and I know because it's pretty gruesome).... I still didn't judge him, and he didn't judge me, either. Then, rapidly, events just fell into place that made our half-serious discussion about marriage a reality.

Trevor was getting drunk the night before I almost died because of an infection I contracted in the hospital. That's why I couldn't reach him on the phone. That's why he showed up almost 4 hours after they took me to labor and delivery. That's why he was crying next to my bed. Not really so much because I was going to die... but because he felt guilty. I know that he has problems. Addiction problems, mental instability type problems. I suppose the reason that I am still with Trevor is that I love him. I love the real person he is underneath all the utter shit piled on top of it. And it's not like he has stayed the same or gotten worse. I can at least say that since Lily has been born, things have improved from bad to better and now good. It was still not great right after she was born. Trevor still did things Trevor wanted to do, but I think it finally came to a point where we were tired of fighting and hurting.... and we both know that while I'm not perfect, either, Trevor has issues that need to be worked out. We are learning to try and communicate better.

I think the real blessing in disguise is the way our relationship has improved while he is in jail. First of all, I get to spend two days with just Lily. I don't have to clean up but the house is still clean, Trevor isn't here bitching at me for doing things I like to do instead of watching TV. But at nights it's hard to sleep, and I wish he was here. I don't feel safe without him. It's little things here and there the whole time that I miss. His voice. It makes me value the time we spend together more, even if most of it is short, because he works so much.

Things are getting good. We are even (barely) ground financially and our relationship is improving and we have the most beautiful, amazing daughter in the entire world. I have hope. Lots and lots of hope. Even when I think my cup is empty... God fills it again. I'm not sure about this plan for my life, but I know if God had it in His will that Trevor and I end up together, then I will do everything I can to keep us together, our family together. Hopefully we will all come out better people.