Loss.

My best friend since third grade hates me. I have no idea why. Actually, I can't EXACTLY remember the last time we saw each other.... I know that I have called more times than I could count. I have texted, and e-mailed.... almost to the point of sad stalkerness. No response. Trevor suggested I just write her a goodbye letter (as this has been going on for a couple of months). He figured either she would respond, or not... in which case I would have closure at least. I would KNOW our friendship is over. But I don't want closure and I don't have it either.

I hate that I spend part of EVERY DAY wondering what I could have done to make her never want to talk to me again. I hate that I rack my brain thinking about every text I sent, every comment I've made, every action.... what did I do? I hate that I will never share anything with her again. I hate that my daughter won't know her growing up. She was like a sister to me. I hate that I see things in the store and think about how she would like them... make a mental note to come get things as a Christmas present I won't ever give. Most of all, I hate that I care so much. I hate that I feel so pathetic, and I hate that I'm so hurt. I'm so, so sad that we will never talk again. That our friendship is over. She was my true friend, my soul mate... or so I thought.

What could make someone hate you so much they won't even tell you why they are ending a 15 year friendship? What is so bad about me that I have no friends.... not even my own husband likes me. Why am I so alone... and so lonely?